In recent years, NCAA March Madness has undoubtedly emerged as America’s most widespread and unanimously loved sporting spectacle. It has become more than just an event, but rather a month-long phenomenon stuffed to capacity with emotions and narratives that somehow strike an equally powerful chord with those of all ages, genders, and levels interest in sports. There are so many elements of March Madness that you can come to love. There are the upsets, the buzzer-beaters, the jubilation of victory and the agony of defeat. There are the breakout stars, the charismatic coaches and the frenzied fans. And of course, there is the pageantry of entire tournament, the around the clock TV coverage, the many bracket pools, and the total impassioned investment of so many people in the outcome of so many games. That is why the common, everyday American loves March Madness and tunes in year after year.
Then there is me… I am not a common everyday American, but rather a manic sports nerd who would rather spend his time watching Hampton vs. Savannah State in the semifinal of the MEAC conference tournament than interacting with other humans. If you are like me, which I pray for your sake and the world’s sake that you are not, you have filled your life with the routine drama and spectacle of college basketball for the past four months and are perhaps becoming a bit jaded with all of these common pleasures that make March Madness great. You may find yourself craving extra excitement and tension that lies outside the realms of the traditional view of March. If so, you have come to the right place.
Below I will give you the real story lines of March Madness. Every year I come up with a set of narratives just like these to go above and beyond the universally beloved layers of the March bonanza, and I am honored to share them with you this time around. They have yielded spectacular results for me in past years in terms of personal entertainment value, and this year’s crop looks to be one of the most compelling ones yet.
The McGary Award Watchlist
Forget the Wooden Award; forget the Final Four Most Outstanding Player. The race for the coveted McGary Award is easily the most captivating out there. Named after former-Michigan forward Mitch McGary, the criteria for winning the award is as follows:
- You must be a distinctly average white dude who plays major minutes for a contending school
- You must play two or more consecutive good games as your school makes a run deep into March
- You must, as a result, be immediately christened as a basketball Jesus by the media solely based on these two or more games
Pre-tournament Favorites
Alex Caruso, G, Texas A&M
The perfect juxtaposition of his male-pattern baldness and his “sneaky athleticism” make the Aggies senior point guard my leading candidate for the award. If he is able to take on an assertive role in the offense during a likely Final Four run, the award is his for the taking.
Matt Costello, C, Michigan State
His defining qualities are his infectious passion and senior know-how, and he is just talented enough too put together some impactful performances. I would say that it would be hard for him to upstage anything that Denzel Valentine might do during a potential Sparty title run, but then again, McGary had Trey Burke on his team, so anything is possible.
Jake Layman, F, Maryland
Certainly of a different breed than the other two. The Terps stretch-4 is blessed with skill and athleticism but has disappointed in terms of production this year. But, if he could become a catalyst for a floundering Maryland team in the nick of time and lead them on a tournament run, the hype train surrounding him would have too much momentum to be stopped and might carry him to the award.
The Charles Barkley Phrase Counter
For those of you who are NBA fans and watch TNT’s regular Thursday night coverage, you will know about Chuck’s studio presence. Yes, he is hilarious, but he clearly does not have the time or the will power to watch more than six of the NBA’s 30 teams . This results in him repeating the same little nuggets of “analysis” every time one of the teams that he does not watch comes up. (“The Utah Jazz got the best young talent in the league Ernie” and “Rick Carlisle’s doing a fantastic job in Dallas” should spring to mind). So with this taken in to account, the CBS/Turner Sports partnership somehow comes together every year and says, “You know what would be a great idea? If we gave Sir Charles even more airtime during march madness to repeat generic assertions about 68 more teams that he has never watched play before!”
This results in him assigning one sentence evaluations to a few of the top teams, players and coaches that he blurts out on every studio segment whether it pertains to them or not, and more generally lumping entire categories of match ups and performances under the use of one blanket phrase.
This year, look for “Bill Self is a fantastic coach,” “Cal’s got the most talent in the tournament beside North Carolina,” and “If you’re the lower seeded team your best player gotta play well” to be the repeated mantras that lead the way for Charles, and look for the overall counter of unique phrases of his to end up in the 8-10 region by the time CBS’ coverage of the tourney concludes.
The Post-Upset Turn Up
The moment when the final buzzer sounds and makes it official that an unknown Cinderella school has done the impossible and knocked off a perennial power is a transcendent moment of sports euphoria. However, most view that moment as the culmination of hours of excitement and intrigue, but it is only the start. The scenes after an NCAA tournament upset are so incredibly lit (for lack of a better word), that they make Halloween on State Street look like your grandpa’s backyard cookout. Every year, coaches, stars, and scrubs alike absolutely lose their minds following upset wins, and it is nothing short of glorious to watch.
This year, things that I want to see in post-upset ragers are:
- More awkward 70+ year old coaches dabbing (I know it’s getting old but at this point it has become a parody of itself).
- Bob Huggins running off on a plug and getting so winded that he taps out of the celebrations.
- A mid-major bench mob taking a moment to pause their exultation and pay tribute to their fallen OGs at Monmouth.
- Which song will emerge as the chosen locker-room banger? I’m feeling some Young Thug.
- Will anyone reach Kyle O’Quinn and Norfolk State levels of excitement?
- Will anyone reach Sherwood Brown and FGCU levels of swag?
- Will anyone reach Kevin Canevari and Mercer levels of hilarious on-court dance circles?
You see, it’s already entertaining and they haven’t even happened yet.
The Poor Unfortunate Soul who gets stuck with the Inside the NBA crew for analysis
In the past, the regular CBS crew of college basketball analysts who dedicate their whole year to cultivating knowledge of the sport that they can bring to the American public in March have had trouble hiding their discontent with the presence of the aforementioned Barkley, Ernie Johnson and Kenny Smith.
Every year one analyst draws the short straw and is stuck on set as the lone ranger among the NBA on TNT gang. In 2013, it was Doug Gottlieb, and he went the route of trying to fit in. The results were awkward as hell. In 2014, it was Greg Anthony, and he tried to be unmoved in his steady stream of professional analysis. You could practically see the steam coming out of his ears every time Kenny spoke. In 2015, it was Clark Kellogg, and he pretty much just gave up on trying to get his words of sense into the conversation.
This year, as suggested by Selection Sunday coverage, the burden has fallen on poor Seth Davis. He is the first analyst with no significant history playing the game that CBS has thrown into the TNT deep-end. Say a quick prayer for him if you can.
Awkward/Corny/Forced Locker Room Speeches from Coaches
It must be hard for underdog coaches to give their most important motivational speech of the year while a camera is being relentlessly shoved in their face, yet that is exactly what CBS insists upon doing year after year. Do not get me wrong, I am not complaining. The results of this coverage are absolutely wonderful. It is quite hilarious to see the different ways that previously unknown coaches react to this type of exposure and pressure in their speeches.
There is the Bruce Pearl route (circa 2005 with UW-Milwaukee), hamming it up with the gusto of leading 300 Spartans into battle against the entire Persian army. Then there’s the route of nonsensical awkwardness taken by Bucknell coach Pat Flannery, who led his men into an encounter with Kansas by stating “We respect our opponent… We will respect Kansas tonight… *scratches head* We will respect them… Period. *long awkward pause* LET’S GO GETTEM!!”
Coaches tend to aim for the Pearl approach, but often fail miserably in Flannery-esque fashion. Every year of underdog coach speeches brings about star-status for some and pariah-status for others, and the hope always exists for a coach to burst on to the scene and invent an entire new category of amazing motivational absurdity. Tune into every game about 15-20 minutes early to witness that hope being realized this time around.
And Finally, The Sam Dekker Award Watchlist
This award can occasionally have some overlap with the McGary award, but is certainly its own entity. Is is given out to a player who:
- Is an underclassman who would greatly benefit from another year in college
- Far outperforms his standard level of production from the regular season in the tournament and thus skies up draft boards
- Ends up making the wrong decision to leave early based on those performances and projections
Pre-tournament Favorites
Caleb Swanigan, F, Purdue
Swanigan by no means has the consistency levels or basketball IQ to be ready for the NBA, but these are traits which would be developed by being ‘the man’ at Purdue as a sophomore next season. However, he has an NBA ready body and averaging 20+ points during a deep Boilermaker run could lead to him making the mistake of leaving.
Grayson Allen, G, Duke
With the injuries that they have suffered and the way that they have affected their recent performances, Duke’s only chance at a tournament run is if Grayson Allen carries them through round after round on his own two shoulders. If this happens, he will surely be considered an NBA prospect, but should still stay with Coach K to work on his professionalism and maturity and prove that he can be the number one option for a championship contender next year in Durham.
Nigel Hayes, F, Wisconsin
The Badgers’ worst possible tournament proposition is not actually a first round exit, it is a deep run to the Sweet 16 or the Elite 8 in which Hayes wills the team to a series of upsets with consecutive 30+ point, 5+ rebound, and 5+ assist performances, and jettisons to the NBA as a result.
There you have it. Hopefully I was able to put some fun into the madness.
Because in the end, March Madness is just plain old fun.
Photo courtesy of AwfulAnnouncing.com