That’s it friends, the Sports Gods have abandoned us. Sure, they just graced us with the previous NHL and NBA playoffs, but those were just a fleeting glimpse of greatness. A near cornucopia of blockbuster events mere days ago gone as quickly as they came. Now we are stricken with a drought of great sports for the next two months (MLB fans shush up, you’ll have your turn).
In this time of scarcity, there must be a beacon revealing what to watch, saving weekly nights of beer, friends, and more beer. I propose a list cataloging the various sports that call the summer their home, allowing the average fan to survive this dearth of entertainment. Because I’m quite the humanitarian, I will graciously provide this list (you’re welcome, World). So without further ado, just read the damn list.
1. Arena Football
Arena football is the NFL’s smaller, more spastic and depressing brother. Contained in the name, all the games are played in arenas; the field is only 50 yards making the game more fast paced and high scoring. Never having the draw of the NFL, the AFL (Arena Football League) suffers from a severe lack of talent worse than the Canadian Football League. Most of the players are washed up college, or maybe NFL players trying to clench onto the dream of that one last shot at the big leagues. Arena football was created in the late 80’s by Jim Foster–now, Jim clearly didn’t know how to take a hint because just months before he established the AFL his previous organization, the United States Football League (USFL), had gone belly up. Maybe he thought the indoors would be enough of an allure for viewers, maybe he should’ve saved his money those 28 years ago, or maybe nobody really cares because they’ve never heard of the AFL in the first place.
+ (Positives)
- Different rules than the NFL allows for some truly spectacular plays and hits
- Some of these different rules allow dancing, scantily clad women to dangle from the rafters in cages
- Looking at the people that actually go out to see these games is probably more interesting than the games
– (Negatives)
- You can actually feel the sadness emanating from the players
- Mr. “Way-too-old-to-play” throws it to Mr. “I-was-the-fifth-string-wideout-at-LSU” and it’s broken up by Mr. “Wait-hold-on-he-has-a-Super-Bowl-ring?”
- Having to take a 30 minute break because the dancing skimpily clad women dangling from the rafters in cages are blocking the extra point kick and need to be moved
Appeal: 5/10
Where to watch: ESPN on various Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays
2. Women’s World Cup
Alriiiiiight time to celebrate some more American nationalism. USA! USA! USA, US–wait where is everyone? The 2015 Women’s World Cup is being held in Canada and has been going on since June 6 and will continue until July 5. I mean, I don’t really know what else to say–if you’re gonna watch this you’d have already been watching. The title defending Japanese team seems pretty good, the German team seems pretty good, the US team seems pretty good; everything is more or less the same as any other Women’s World Cup. On a side note, did you know that Abby Wambach holds the record for most International goals by a man or woman? Nope, not Messi or Ronaldo, dumdum. It’s her, and if you didn’t know that you’re just a bad American.
+
- Always good to get some good ol’ American blood pumpin’ through the veins
- Oh, what’s that sound in the distance? Freedom
- Alex Morgan, Hope Solo, and Sydney Leroux
–
- Wait, so you’re telling me there’s 90 minutes in each game?
- What do you mean it’s only been 20 minutes?
- I couldn’t imagine watching one game after another
Appeal: 4/10
Where to watch: FOX, FOX Sports 1, and FOX Sports 2 until July 5
3. Major League Baseball
Okay, before a horde of baby boomer superfans demand my head on a totem of Hall of Famers, let me explain myself. Baseball is a great sport to go out to the field and either play or watch, but that’s not what this list is about. This list is about sports to watch on TV, and watching baseball on TV makes me want to take a rusty nail and see how long it takes me to pry off each of my big toenails. Think about it, one of the most prestigious happenings in baseball, a perfect game, is just a pitcher throwing 100-120 pitches without any response from the other team. A goal of the sport is to make no action happen. Sure, you might be reading this and think, “Hey, aren’t you being a little harsh on baseball?” Yeah, I am. But hey, if baseball is your thing I’m not going to stop you from watching, you just won’t ever see it on my TV.
+
- The Home Run Derby remains one of the lone light spots
- A new crop of sluggers hope to revitalize the waning sport
- At least the MLB hasn’t fallen as far as Boxing or Horse Racing (sigh)
–
- 82 Home Runs were hit at last year’s Derby, or in other terms, about 49 regular games’ worth
- Shows that beat last year’s World Series in viewership: NCIS: New Orleans, Big Bang Theory, Denver v. SF Sunday Night Football (by double)
- The past three World Series have been three of the top five least viewed included the least watched World Series ever (2012, 12.7M viewers)
Appeal: Reg. Season 2/10, Home Run Derby 8/10
Where to watch: ESPN July 13th 8PM EDT (Home Run Derby), FOX July 14th 7PM EDT (All-Star Game) and various networks for regular season
4. The British Open & PGA Championship
Ah, golf, the sport of white men making million dollar business decisions (and some hitting a ball into a hole). This season so far is the year of the Spieth as he dominated the Masters with a -18, and he secured a victory at the US Open as Dustin Johnson *ahem* royally “messed” it up (probably because he was picturing his wife too much while putting–hey Dustin I’m not judging, I would lose a championship or two for her). Now the talk is whether or not the 21 year old wünderchild can complete the Grand Slam. First, he’ll have to defend off defending Open champion Rory McIlroy in Scotland, then he’d have to close it out in good ol’ Whistling Straits in Wisconsin. Will someone stop his historic tear? Are we on the brink of a new Golf superstar? Is this little thing on my back–yeah that thing right there, is that normal? Does anyone care or is this just another Triple Crown? Find out all these answers and more if you just decide to stop being stupid and actually watch some Golf.
+
- Watching animal rights and environmental protection agencies try to save Tiger from extinction
- Golf broadcasts go all day for 4 days a piece (read: 96 hours of reason to be drunk as a skunk)
- The soft, dulcet tones of the commentators will lull you into a relaxing, blissful snooze
–
- ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzz
- ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZ
- –Huh? Wait, what’s going on?
Appeal: 7.5/10
Where to watch: The Open Championship ESPN July 16-19, PGA Championship TNT+CBS August 13-16
5. Ultimate Frisbee
“Why is Ultimate on this list? I’ve never even heard of Ultimate being televised?” Ultimate is a mixture of football and soccer except played with a flying disc. People run after the disc and dive to try to catch it. It’s fast paced, there’s lots of action, and the team names were created by two year olds with a bag full of city names and a bag of random nouns. Is it one of those sports that’s way more fun to play than it is to watch? Yeah. Will it ever become popular? Probably not. Will I ever stop asking myself questions? Stay tuned to find out.
+
- The pace of the game creates the opportunity for outstanding, Top 10 worthy plays
- Because most of the games are streamed online you can watch essentially anywhere
- It’s a game you can play even after your once college six pack has been chilling in the fridge for a few too many years
–
- The name “Ultimate” elicits a picture of rambunctious teens doing waaaay too much all the time
- The best part of the sport is Brodie Smith’s trick shots
- It’s a game you can play baked out of your mind, professionally
Appeal: 6/10
Where to watch: Online @ tv.mlultimate.com
Image via Brian Canniff Photography