Deflategate’s court result has come out, and ESPN’s Outside the Lines has released their story on how Deflategate was a continuation of Spygate, once again publicly disparaging the Patriots based on “multiple sources.”

Heads up my friends, all your teams have pulled equally shady things, the only difference being that your team sucks too much and couldn’t win even with that advantage. If you don’t believe me, I’m about to go through every single team and show that all of you are just as bad as everyone else. Bear in mind, almost every team has been accused of participating in Spygate.

For a full list of every team’s cheating, click here.

Arizona Cardinals

In the early 2000’s the Cards were a sputtering team going from terrible season to terrible season. In an effort to fix this they brought in (somehow) Pro-Bowl QB Jeff Blake. Upon retirement, he admitted that he ordered the ballboys to deflate the balls for every single game he played. In that 2003 season where Blake played in Arizona, they went 4-12 and he did far, far worse. Less than 2500 yards passing, 15 ints and only 15 TDs, and a QB rating of (no joke) 69.6. Blake was never punished for his actions.

Atlanta Falcons

Over the past two seasons the Falcons, have been playing artificial crowd noise over the speakers to what I assume they called heightening the fan experience. The NFL investigated and fined them $350,000 and a fifth round draft pick. The Patriots on the other hand were fined $1,000,000 and lost a first and fourth-round pick for Deflategate. Something seems a bit uneven here.

Baltimore Ravens

Okay, this one’s gonna be fun, here it goes: everything with Ray Rice, Haloti Ngata and Asa Jackson PEDs, Terrell Suggs targeting, and finally, my favorite, Ray Lewis killing someone. Take out Jackson’s 12 games suspended and for every other infraction combined is only two more than Brady’s former suspension.

Buffalo Bills

As of recent, the Bills are actually decently clean. Back in the late 70’s and early 80’s, they would blow wind against the opposing team’s end zone to make kicking that much more difficult. No punishment was handed out.

Carolina Panthers

I could very easily just focus on Greg Hardy’s absurdly small suspension and how Goodell is equating domestic violence to deflating balls in terms of punishment, but no, I’ll talk about their 2004 Super Bowl loss to the Patriots. Multiple players on the team were found to be filling prescriptions for steroids just a week and a half before the Super Bowl. No punishment was doled out.

Chicago Bears

After All-pro LB Brian Urlacher retired, he broke the news of a special Bears strategy used when the game needed to be slowed a bit. Whenever the coach would make a swimming motion, a player would fake an injury. Was this ever discovered prior to this admission? No. Was it ever punished? No. Sure people might not care, but should we also forget that the Bears were in, and leading Super Bowl XLI?

Cincinnati Bengals

To be honest, the Bengals are pretty clean as far as cheating, so I just had to look a little harder. They had a pretty decent defense last year, ferocious I guess, but they also led the league in unnecessary roughness penalties. At least any cheating that these other teams do are for some sort of gain, these penalties are just wastes and dumb moves. No wonder the Bengals haven’t won a playoff game in forever.

Cleveland Browns

Texting plays to sidelines? Thats how you cheat Cleveland? Jesus, well yeah I guess that’s how they cheat. GM Ray Farmer admitting to doing this all of last season and, thankfully, was actually punished. A fourth the fine of the Patriots’, draft picks all intact, and the GM is suspended for the first four games (read: just cannot attend them). I mean, the Browns need all the help they can get so thanks Goodell for going easy on them.

Dallas Cowboys

During the 90s when Jimmie Johnson, Emmitt Smith, and Troy Aikman ran the show, no one questioned their reign over the NFL. They were America’s Team again. I guess that allowed people to overlook the fact they they were used a now banned horse-medication to get an edge. No they weren’t punished, no one cares, whatever man.

Denver Broncos

Fun Fact: The Broncos are the biggest cheaters in the NFL. Lets go more in depth: 12(!) PED violations in the past 12 years, OL using vaseline to make it hard for the defense to get a grip, and ignoring the salary cap and paying players under the table. Sure for the latter they got fined almost $2M(!!) and lost two draft picks, but you could almost equate that to the Deflategate punishment. I mean, the whole scandal is centered around now GM John Elway and no one seems to care in the slightest.

Detroit Lions

Ndamukong Suh, great player, terrible person. For four different infractions of what amounts to be a very strong asshole throwing around his weight he totaled over $200k in fines and two suspended games. Let me put that in other terms: ⅕ of the Pats’ fine, ½ the suspension, and none of the draft picks.

Green Bay Packers

One time the Packers cheated so badly they got kicked out of the league. Sure that was in 1921, but still. More recently, legendary DE Reggie White’s “Smash-for-Cash” program came to light. This obvious “Bountygate” precursor is pretty much as it seems: Big hits = cash in your pocket. But guess what, the NFL allowed this. They said as long as it was the player’s money and not “exorbitant” amounts then it’s okay. Wait, what?

Houston Texans

Former QB David Carr admitted that before a game against Denver, he instructed the ball boys to let out air from the footballs. He announced it. And no one said anything nor were there any fines. Everyone does it, only the Pats get punished.

Indianapolis Colts

Oh boo hoo, you got smacked in the AFC Championship so you blame a little air. How about we talk about how this organization threw the 2011 season in order to guarantee the QB they have now? After losing Peyton Manning for the season, the Colts knew they were doomed, thus began the “Suck for Luck” campaign. Pats lose their QB for a season and go 11-5, Colts do it and go 2-14. Not to mention, they were NOT punished for their noise gate in 2007 in a game against the Patriots. 

Jacksonville Jaguars

The Jaguars have been irrelevant since the mid-2000s because of how much they suck. I don’t even want to say any cheats you guys have done because that would mean even after cheating you still are that bad. So Jags, I’m sorry you suck so much.

Kansas City Chiefs

Remember how everyone lambasted the Patriots for Spygate? Remember how no one did that to the Chiefs even though then coach Marty Schottenheimer did the same exact thing over the course of 11 years? The Chiefs were one of the many teams to videotape other teams signals, all done long before the Pats ever did. And I believe it goes without saying that they weren’t punished for it.

Miami Dolphins

Some people remember Don Shula as a good coach, others remember him as a dirty cheat, and more yet remember him as that old guy who randomly shows up on various NFL broadcast shows and weight loss spots. My personal favorite cheat of his was his policies on playing through injuries. Either you took some pain med and got on the field or you’re off the team. But hey at least he had the perfect season*.

Minnesota Vikings

The 90’s was a hell of a time to cheat: people didn’t much care about the integrity of the game, they just wanted to see big hits and big plays. Well, the Vikings cheated a lot. During this decade there was artificial crowd noise being pumped into the stadium much like the Falcons, and there was another bounty system (similar to the Saints’) used for “eye for an eye” purposes. Looks like the Purple People Eaters ate the rulebook too.

New Orleans Saints

It’s almost not fair to ride the Saints for Bountygate because practically every team has instilled such a program, but they were one of the only ones to get caught (and even fewer to be punished). Fines for this scandal totaled $500k, year suspension of Sean Payton, and the loss of two draft picks (all other suspensions were vacated). So remember, in Goodell’s eyes it’s far worse to deflate balls than to intentionally injure people.

New York Giants

I bet if you think hard enough you could possibly forget that HOF LB Lawrence Taylor wasn’t a horrible cheater. He has said that he hired prostitutes to “entertain” the opposing team’s RB the night before a game to make them tired. Also he has admitted to smoking, and being high on crack cocaine during football games. Now, how is it that America hates a player who is *allegedly* deflating balls more than one is literally on crack during his games? It baffles my mind too.

New York Jets

Remember how everyone was up in arms about the Patriots videotaping Jets practices? Do they also remember how the Jets did the same exact thing to the Patriots a year before without any repercussions? Because that did happen, and there was no punishment, and (no way) no one cares.

Philadelphia Eagles

You know what? The Eagles are actually pretty clean. No more cheating than other organization nor any specific, individual instances of cheating. Good for you, you have a team that hasn’t ever won a Super Bowl, too. Next!

Pittsburgh Steelers

Who would’ve guessed the four Super Bowls of the 70’s would be tainted, because no one but the Patriots ever cheat. Team Doctor of 22 years, Richard Rydze, doled out enough steroids to keep Barry Bonds juiced for 3000 years. People always saw the Steelers as being tough and strong, turns out that was for the most part drugs, sorry America.

St. Louis Rams

Wow, I’m flabbergasted. Another clean team? This can’t be right. Whatever, maybe they should cheat more so they’d have even the slightest chance at a winning season.

San Diego Chargers

Fun Fact #2: Former Chargers strength coach Alvin Roy was the man who introduced steroids to the NFL. Thanks Alvin!

San Francisco 49ers

During the 80s and 90s the 49ers won a lot, during this time they also cheated a lot. Cheats include but are not limited to: OL spraying silicone on their jerseys to make them slippery, Jerry Rice putting stickum on his gloves, and faking headset problems to get other teams to turn theirs off. If the Patriots did anything like this people would demand Belichick’s head on a platter. Come to think of it, aren’t people doing that now?

Seattle Seahawks

Like the Steel Curtain, this defense is big, strong, and mean, also, like that historical defense it is also fueled by PEDs. With five violations in a 2-year span the Seahawks definitely are one of the more active consumers of illegal substances. When I hear people say that the Pats should be stripped of their Super Bowl title I think, shouldn’t those cheatin’ Hawks get their title taken too?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Before Super Bowl XXXVII, QB Brad Johnson paid some people to scuff and break in all 100 of the balls to be used in the game. And that’s what was done, and the Bucs won 48-21. This sorta sounds familiar, except this case has an admission of doing so. And there was no punishment. And, again, no one cares.

Tennessee Titans

In 1999 the Titans were good, yeah I know, it’s been a while. They made it to the Super Bowl by upsetting the Jaguars (apparently at some point in history they were good). How did they execute such an upset? Why, the defensive coordinator stole the Jags offensive playbook. But hey, America loves a nice underdog story, so we just let it slide and never talked about it again. So thanks Titans, you cheated a team who will probably never be good again, I hope you feel good about yourself.

Washington Redskins

Oh Washington, you don’t even need to cheat to be worse than the Patriots, simply by keeping your name you’re emanating waves of racism and ignorance. Yeah, the Redskins cheat, but that’s not the important part here. Washington change your damn name.