We know. Morale is low. Most years the team you root for religiously is not in the Super Bowl. But just as sure as Tom Brady is in yet another Super Bowl, someone you know or yourself will find themselves the host of a Super Bowl party.
When it comes to hosting that Super Bowl party, there are rules. Just like the game of football itself, there are things you should and should not do. Going for it on 4th and 15 on your own 30? Basically the same thing as forcing your “self-brewed” beer on your guests. Not a good call. But more on that later.
DO: Clean up a bit
Taking the time to clean, or even just shoving everything into a single room and locking it, will do wonders. Not cleaning prior to the party is literally and metaphorically like airing out your dirty laundry for the world to see. No one actually wants to see the squalor you live in, just as you don’t want them to see it.
DON’T: Set up more than one TV
There may be well over a dozen, or even two dozen, people coming to this party, so having multiple screens seems like an ideal way to make sure everyone gets a nice view for the year’s biggest game. But where is the fun in that? Pack everyone in like sardines. Maybe an Eagles fan yells across the room to a Patriots fan when Nick Foles throws a touchdown pass only to have the Patriots fan heckle back when Tom Brady undoubtedly leads his team to some sort of a comeback. All of that will happen and then maybe the Blake Bortles truther in the room starts up the debate everyone is clamoring to have about the Jaguars quarterback: his elite status.
DO: Get a variety of booze
The last thing you want to be stuck with is a lack of booze. But buying one item in bulk will not get the job done properly. No, five 30-racks of Keystone Light will not make the masses happy. There is always the friend who only drinks Light beer because of a sense of pride for “having simple tastes.” Then the polar opposite friend who demands IPA’s with names like Tutankhamun Ale (brewed using ancient Egyptian Queen Nefertiti’s royal recipe) or Space Barley (brewed using barley coming from the International Space Station). Okay, maybe not that crazy, but it definitely would do the party guests well to pick up some sort of IPA.
DON’T: Home-brewed beer
What’s that? I just said a Super Bowl party needs a wide variety of booze to be successful? Well, I lied. Kind of. No one wants your home-brewed beer. It probably tastes like sludge and was made in your bathtub. Nobody wants to have to choke it down with you watching them waiting for them to lie to you and say, “oh yeah, no, really good stuff, Rick.” Sorry, but your three-week trial of brewing will never beat the likes of the 163 years of experience Miller Brewing has on you.
DO: Serve a variety of food (pizza and chicken wings)
And by variety, you really only need two options. A table the size of a football field stacked with an assortment of pizza and chicken wings. It serves everybody. Oh, you’re a vegetarian? There’s a veggie pizza waiting for you. Want to stack the chicken onto the pizza? Hey, no one here is going to limit you.
DON’T: Be the chips and salsa guy
Everyone, and I mean damn near everyone, coming to your party will be bringing chips and salsa to your party. It is the easiest, cheapest and most crowd-pleasing snack to bring to a party YOU ARE NOT HOSTING. So being the host, you need to step up a bit and foot the bill.
DO: Bring up the refs bias for the Patriots
Unless you are hosting the party in Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Rhode Island or North Dakota; most in attendance will be rooting for the Eagles. So play to the crowd. The Patriots have undoubtedly benefited from a call or two or six, against the Jacksonville Jaguars. While it is highly unlikely the Patriots are the beneficiaries of a league-wide conspiracy, as the NFL and organization have no reason to like each other post-deflatgate, the fact is they have gotten more calls in their favor in the postseason.
DON’T: “Beyoncé was better”
The halftime show is not the main entertainment. Yet some will always treat it as such and always compare whoever is performing to the Queen herself. “Beyoncé was so much better.” Thank you for the obvious statement, Karen. So instead of being a Karen, just sit back and do what most people do during the halftime show: Use it to reload on food and booze.